DREDD
There's a lot of good buzz a-brewin' on the interwebs for this baby. I've even read Dredd described as "The Raid done right". Well, sure, if you define "done right" as "replacing the exhilarating martial art brawls with a middle-aged white dude shooting people". Dredd lacks the tension of that Indoesian film as well. In most action media, it's not a matter of whether the protagonist will prevail but how; in Judge Dredd's case, we know it's going to be by gunning down lots and lots of people.
Taken on its own terms, though, it's a fun little shoot-em-up that didn't deserve the poor reception it received. Although the satiric nature of the source material is still MIA, Dredd is a staggering improvement over the last film based on the comic.
RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION
I will never get tired of seeing Michelle Rodriquez scowl or Mila Jovovich wearing nothing but two strategically-placed paper towels. I got tired of everything else about the RE series long ago. Still, the scowls and towels keep me coming back. Dumbass.
And so the latest installment. For the first twenty minutes or so I thought we might be getting a string of neat, marginally related zombie vignettes; all the zombie ass-kicking we love without any extraneous crap. No such luck. Director Paul "Not the Good One" Anderson insisted on continuing the convoluted, po-faced narrative that has dogged the series from the first sequel. Lots of old faces return, joined by a batch of noobs who must surely have been hired solely for their resemblance to video game characters and not for anything resembling actual acting ability. Still, a rather nifty fight scene involving an impromptu meteor hammer might make this one worth a rental.
I hope they paid Colin Salmon in rubies, because he certainly deserves better than this.
TOTAL RECALL
Fantastic set design, a couple of cool gadgets, and enough lensflare to make even JJ Abrahams cry uncle; that's all I can remember about this one, which is kind of ironic if you think about it. Colin Farrell might have played the lead, maybe, opposite a couple of skinny brunettes I had a hard time telling apart.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN, VAMPIRE HUNTER
I was really surprised by Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. It's a completely dopey premise, and the filmmakers took the wisest course of action and played it completely straight. Astonishingly (or maybe not), ALVK features the best acting and most impressive visuals of any film on this list. The screenplay (credited to the novel's author) is smart without being smug and pays attention to lots of little details - my favorite bit was a former slave busting out some Capoeria moves without fanfare. If you see two films about Abraham Lincoln this year, ALVK should be one of them.
Abraham Lincoln was taught kung fu by a vampire, and I am okay with that.
BOURNE LEGACY
While I'm not the biggest Bourne fan, I did enjoy the most recent entry in the series. I think the change in casting - cited by many as the reason for the film's underperformance - actually helped. Jeremy Renner's Aaron Cross is a lot more interesting than the blank slate amnesiac of the previous outings and has a solid motivation for crazy, globe-trotting shenanigans. Be warned, though, that viewers coming into the series cold might get a little confused, as the entire plot hinges on Jason Bourne's activities in Ultimatum. But if the loss of Matt Damon isn't a deal-killer for you, Bourne Legacy is worth a look.
NAZIS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH
Oh, boy! My first Asylum flick! I gave this one a chance because I thought it was an honest-to-gosh original concept from the mockbuster maestros and it sounded like a neat idea. I got as far as the opening credits before it dawned on me that it was a rip-off of Iron Sky, only up instead of down. Dang.
A team of the world's greatest medical researchers (Under 30 Division) discover that Josef Mengele is alive and well and living in the Hollow Earth. Someone must have spent an afternoon perusing Wikipedia, because Neuschwabenland, Agartha, and vril all get name-checked. But some audacious ideas, including Nazi flying saucers and a dieselpunk cyborg Hitler, are undermined by a lackluster screenplay, limp direction, and some truly embarrassing acting. Still, I got some nifty screengrabs for future RPG sessions, and that's more than the Asylum has done for you lately.
Adam West and Burt Ward were more convincing than these yahoos.
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