CHOCOLATEPrachya Pinkaew - 2008
An autistic girl goes ballistic on various thugs in the latest Thai backbreaker to storm our shores. She's the daughter of two gangsters, a sexy Thai loan shark and a stylish Yakuza boss, who wind up in one of those Montague and Capulet affairs. Left to raise their child alone, the mother succumbs to a movie disease and needs pricey medical care to survive. Zen, the daughter, and her adopted brother Moom find Mom's old ledger and attempt to recoup the money still owed her by various lowlifes. Luckily, Zen is a martial arts prodigy who got her skills the same way (according to Joe Bob Briggs, at least) the simians evolved in the Planet of the Apes films - she paid really close attention.
Twenty years ago, Chocolate would have been made in Hong Kong as the left-turn sequel to a heroic bloodshed film about Zen's parents. I think I would have preferred to see that movie instead of the one we've got. Zen's parents are far more interesting than their daughter, which I guess is only natural given the circumstances. Zen's dad has a touch of autism himself, manifesting as an obsession over defects in otherwise pristine objects. And Zen's mom, Zin, is just gorgeous, even when she's supposed to be wasting away from illness. The movie makes no real attempt to give these two any back story - heck, it doesn't even show the fate of a major character - and I found myself wondering about how they both ended up where they were at the start of the picture.
But we watch these things for the fight scenes, in much the same way that our parents and grandparents watched musicals for the songs and dancing. Chocolate is a bit of a let-down for most of its running time, I'm afraid. Star Yanin Vismitananda seems a bit stiff through most of the film, rechambering herself awkwardly after every move. This might have been intended to reflect the autistic nature of the heroine, but the end result is that the fights look stagey and unconvincing. Happily, the move is redeemed by its blistering finale, when Zen finally takes on professional gangsters instead of whatever amateur mooks happen to be around. Yanin comes off a lot better in these scenes, showcasing some real skill and a spunky willingness to put herself through a lot of punishment. Make sure to stick around for the outtakes over the end credits.
Inspired by this film, I plan on someday using an all-transvestite hit squad as adversaries in my modern pulp RPG campaign. Don't tell my players.
ALIEN RAIDERSBen Rock - 2008
A group of gunmen take over a small-town supermarket just before closing. At first it appears to be an ordinary robbery, until some of the hostages are singled out and executed in cold blood. The armed men appear to be hunting someone or something, and they're prepared to die if necessary to see their mission through.
I rented this one based on good buzz throughout the intertubes. I don't feel the urge to rush out and buy a copy, but I enjoyed it. It stands out among its DTV brethren because it's so friggin' competent. The direction is decent, the cast is solid (and would probably be familiar if I watched broadcast TV), the pacing is strong, and the script doesn't have characters doing dumb things just to advance the plot. There's no groan-inducing moments, save perhaps for an unnecessary "twist ending" you'll see coming a mile away. Another big plus is that most of the effects appear to be live and not CGI; between this and the Feast movies, I hope we're seeing a new trend in low-budget genre pictures.
The title is awful, of course, and makes the movie sound like a SciFi Channel production. But if SciFi made films like this, I'd actually watch the damned thing once in a while.
TRANSPORTER 3Well, it was better than Transporter 2.
HULK VS.Sam Liu & Frank Paur - 2009
First Hulk smash Canada, then Hulk smash Asgard. Then Hulk go home, wait by phone to see if Hulk's agent gets Hulk another live-action sequel, maybe have tacos for dinner.
If you're the guy in the audience who shouted "Boring!" five minutes into Watchmen when I saw it last week, have I got a DVD for you. The latest in Marvel's series of DTV cartoons, Hulk Vs. is essentially two long fight scenes. It takes some real effort to make animated mayhem interesting to me. The filmmakers have to either give me a strong emotional connection to the characters, or show me something really neat and inventive in the fights. Hulk Vs. didn't deliver on either score.
Hulk Vs. Thor at least tries for some drama involving the fate of Bruce Banner in Hel (not a typo). However, the scenario was lifted pretty much wholesale from Alan Moore's "For the Man Who Has Everything" (most likely via its JLU adaptation), and on top of that it isn't given enough time to develop. I also felt the actor playing the God of Thunder had too high and too young of a voice for my liking, and he really dropped the ball delivering the movie's take on a fan-favorite Thor quote. Still, it was kinda neat to see the Warriors Three in animated form.
Hulk Vs. Wolverine - geez, I can't even work up the enthusiasm to comment on it. Deadpool had some good lines, I guess, but I was just waiting for this one to end. And yet this is the segment getting the most fanboy love on the 'net.
In fact, I'm sure there's plenty of Marvel fans who'll get a big kick out of Hulk Vs. There's loads of blood and destruction, and the characterizations hew closely to their comic book equivalents. If you're the type who hated the X-Men movies because of the costumes, thinks Wolverine could kick God's ass, and/or can look at Omega Red without giggling, these cartoons may be right up your alley.
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