Tuesday, June 23, 2009 My Zombie Survival Sheet

So, apparently everyone's been filling these things out for a while now and nobody friggin' told me. Most of them are intended to be silly, but I think it's kind of gilding the lily, as it's absurd to take a zombie preparedness form seriously in the first place.

My cousin Mike and I were hanging out the other day when I mentioned the sheets. With his urgings, we filled out a couple as jokes. With my urgings, we then filled out a couple "for reals". Because I'm absurd enough to take a zombie preparedness form seriously.

My Sheets
Double-click on all the images for larger versions.

Mike's Sheets

I limited the serious sheets to items we actually have on hand, so no sawed-off shotguns or ballistic helmets. We did fudge a bit with Mike's vehicle (he swears his stronghold will give him access to it) and my primary weapon (it's on my shopping list). I also need a new leather jacket; I haven't picked one up since I lost all that weight. My main weapon is a Stanley Fubar with an authentic kukri as back-up. Mike's primary is the Cold Steel poleaxe I got him for his birthday, and his secondary is the Cold Steel gunstock club I got him for Christmas. That's a cheapass bicycle multi-tool in my inventory, a placeholder until I get a decent replacement. And yeah, Mike really does have a bajillion flashlights handy at all times.

Mike fought being my designated sidekick at first but eventually came to accept the reality of things. The pugnacious butterfly on his sheet is his son.

Mikey has his reasons for choosing such an unusual stronghold, but they have to remain hush-hush. As I am a nerd with nothing better to do, however, I will gladly share the reasons I picked mine.
  • Security: The doors and ground floor windows are built strong to keep undesirables out, there's upper floors to fall back to, and the whole place is designed to be locked down by sections in case of trouble. There is often a chain-link fence surrounding the entire campus, which could help slow down zeds. Finally, there should be much less competition for this location then for shopping malls, Wal-Marts, Cabela's, or PetSmarts. (Okay, maybe only the furries are heading for that last one.)
  • Resources: The kitchen area usually contains enough goods to feed several hundred people twice a day for a week. The emergency medical station will be stocked with vital supplies. Vehicles for Driver's Education are commonly present, most often in a secured area. And you'll find crude armor and maybe even archery equipment in the PE department.
  • Facilities: Libraries, exercise rooms, computer centers, science labs, and wood, metal, and auto shops are all standard features of North American high schools. Your school may also have laundry facilities, generators, radio communication equipment, and/or groundskeeping vehicles. You should be able to find couches or beds in the teacher's lounge, nurse's office, and girls' restrooms (especially those set aside for pregnant students). Searching through the lockers will likely turn up a variety of weapons, some recreational pharmaceuticals, and porn. Vital, vital porn.
However, the fortress-like qualities that make high schools so attractive also present several downsides. Getting into one will be difficult if it's locked up. And while school is probably the last place a teenager will want to visit in a crisis, the area around it will be tricky to navigate when everything goes to Hell. Even after you're in, it's a pretty big job clearing out and keeping safe such a large compound.

But the most serious deterrent to using a high school stronghold is the possibility that it will be designated an emergency shelter during the early hours of the infestation. The last thing you want is hordes of hysterical and possibly dying "norms" swarming all over your would-be safehouse. If you plan on making your stand at a local school, check the emergency broadcast services and select one that isn't being listed as a shelter. You will still have folks turning up, but the numbers should be much more manageable.

Yeah, I've spent way too much time over-analyzing silly, trivial matters. I'm a geek. It's what we do.


Quite Contrary said...

I have to tell you...I imagined you riding the unicycle...in some sort of demented worst case nightmare dream of escaping the zombies scenario...perhaps your weapon should have been a swim noodle.