The locks have been changed on the exterior doors and I'll be picking up the new gate locks today. (Went last night, but the ones I got were too big for the holes. Hurrhurr.) My mom talked to her boss at work, and it turns out she can get a discount from an alarm company that is owned by the same corporation. They might be out here as soon as today. My landlord is having someone come out today to replace the locks on my apartment, and Mike had his locks changed yesterday. Now we just need to track down someone to replace the upstairs door, and Mike and I need to get the locks on our cars changed. As long as they didn't raid my place last night, we've weathered the immediate storm.
But my mom and cousin will be living here on their own. While my mom is putting on a brave face, my cousin is freaking out. (I think she's been turning agoraphobic for a while now.) My mom just went upstairs to check on my cousin, and she's not there. Instead of being here for the woman who is essentially supporting her, she left last night without letting us know. Yeah, it's not safe enough for you to stay, so leave the 62-year-old lady on her own.
I'm going home today to get some clothes and my new keys, but I'll be staying at my mom's as much as possible this week.
Sunday, June 28, 2009 And things get worse...
Mike and I were going to BBQ at my mom's today. Because Mike works nights and my hours have gotten out of whack since I've been out of work, we got here early in the morning, Mike around 5AM and me a couple of hours later. Mike slept upstairs at his sister's, and I slept at my mom's while she went to church.
While we slept, somebody lifted up the screen in the living room window, lowered the fan, and slipped inside my mom's apartment. She's got a dog, but he was in his cage. The thief or thieves quickly riffled through all three apartments. Mike's phone, keys, and wallet are gone. His sister's purse, keys, wallet, and Nintendo DS. My keys and phone, and my mom's mp3 player, credit cards, social security card, and birth certificate. The contents of a electronics junk drawer. And all the meat for our Fourth of July BBQ. In fact, they cleaned out most of the food from all three floors.
All the doors in the place were left open, as were many drawers and closets. Luckily, they didn't grab anything big - our tv's, stereos, and computers are still here - and they missed the backpack with my laptop inside. No jewelry seems to be missing. But as they have our keys, the odds are good they plan on coming back.
So we waited for the police to show, spending the hours canceling credit cards and phone accounts with the aid of the laptop. I had my wallet on me while I slept, so they didn't get my cards and can't have gotten my address from my ID. But I'm worried that they can get it using my cell phone number. The last we heard, they used Mike's card three times and it looks like they are heading west. I live in the west 'burbs. I notified my local police and they said they would keep an eye out, but I'm still nervous as hell.
The cops came and took our statements. He said a team would be round to dust for prints, but they still haven't shown yet. I spent most of the day outside, keeping an eye on the cars until Mikey gets back with the spare keys. I'm going to have to get the locks on the car changed; we've already had the locks on the house and garage changed, and my landlord is sending someone round to my apartment tomorrow.
My mom has already decided to keep the dog out of the cage from now on, no matter how much he destroys things. He was in the cage while I slept because he gets very hyper when I'm around and won't let me alone. He nips and pounces and barks at me if he's out of the cage, and cries and whines if he's in it. Between that and all the fans going, it's not surprising we slept through any noise.
I'm pending the night here, for whatever good it does anyone. Hopefully, the thieves didn't see enough of value here to try and break-in when they find out the keys don't work. But I'm worried about the nights when I won't be around. Living here on their own is going to be real rough on my mom and Mike's sister. She's been trying to sell the house for a while now. We have to get out of here.
While we slept, somebody lifted up the screen in the living room window, lowered the fan, and slipped inside my mom's apartment. She's got a dog, but he was in his cage. The thief or thieves quickly riffled through all three apartments. Mike's phone, keys, and wallet are gone. His sister's purse, keys, wallet, and Nintendo DS. My keys and phone, and my mom's mp3 player, credit cards, social security card, and birth certificate. The contents of a electronics junk drawer. And all the meat for our Fourth of July BBQ. In fact, they cleaned out most of the food from all three floors.
All the doors in the place were left open, as were many drawers and closets. Luckily, they didn't grab anything big - our tv's, stereos, and computers are still here - and they missed the backpack with my laptop inside. No jewelry seems to be missing. But as they have our keys, the odds are good they plan on coming back.
So we waited for the police to show, spending the hours canceling credit cards and phone accounts with the aid of the laptop. I had my wallet on me while I slept, so they didn't get my cards and can't have gotten my address from my ID. But I'm worried that they can get it using my cell phone number. The last we heard, they used Mike's card three times and it looks like they are heading west. I live in the west 'burbs. I notified my local police and they said they would keep an eye out, but I'm still nervous as hell.
The cops came and took our statements. He said a team would be round to dust for prints, but they still haven't shown yet. I spent most of the day outside, keeping an eye on the cars until Mikey gets back with the spare keys. I'm going to have to get the locks on the car changed; we've already had the locks on the house and garage changed, and my landlord is sending someone round to my apartment tomorrow.
My mom has already decided to keep the dog out of the cage from now on, no matter how much he destroys things. He was in the cage while I slept because he gets very hyper when I'm around and won't let me alone. He nips and pounces and barks at me if he's out of the cage, and cries and whines if he's in it. Between that and all the fans going, it's not surprising we slept through any noise.
I'm pending the night here, for whatever good it does anyone. Hopefully, the thieves didn't see enough of value here to try and break-in when they find out the keys don't work. But I'm worried about the nights when I won't be around. Living here on their own is going to be real rough on my mom and Mike's sister. She's been trying to sell the house for a while now. We have to get out of here.
Saturday, June 27, 2009 Dance Party: Fiesta Hippie
"Fiesta Hippie" as performed by Les Ballets Jackson
Warning! NSFW due to (unerotic) boobies.
Friday, June 26, 2009 Occult Detectives: John Silence Redux
Not posting much this week, as I have been working on resumes and cover letters. But I do want to point out that some nice folks at radioarchive.cc have posted a torrent of Sheila Hodgson's radio adaptations of Algernon Blackwood's John Silence stories. I offered two of the stories previously, but this torrent completes the series (I think) and offers an alternative to those who can't or won't use RapidShare. You will have to register at radioarchive.cc, but it's free and painless to do so.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 My Zombie Survival Sheet
So, apparently everyone's been filling these things out for a while now and nobody friggin' told me. Most of them are intended to be silly, but I think it's kind of gilding the lily, as it's absurd to take a zombie preparedness form seriously in the first place.
My cousin Mike and I were hanging out the other day when I mentioned the sheets. With his urgings, we filled out a couple as jokes. With my urgings, we then filled out a couple "for reals". Because I'm absurd enough to take a zombie preparedness form seriously.
I limited the serious sheets to items we actually have on hand, so no sawed-off shotguns or ballistic helmets. We did fudge a bit with Mike's vehicle (he swears his stronghold will give him access to it) and my primary weapon (it's on my shopping list). I also need a new leather jacket; I haven't picked one up since I lost all that weight. My main weapon is a Stanley Fubar with an authentic kukri as back-up. Mike's primary is the Cold Steel poleaxe I got him for his birthday, and his secondary is the Cold Steel gunstock club I got him for Christmas. That's a cheapass bicycle multi-tool in my inventory, a placeholder until I get a decent replacement. And yeah, Mike really does have a bajillion flashlights handy at all times.
Mike fought being my designated sidekick at first but eventually came to accept the reality of things. The pugnacious butterfly on his sheet is his son.
Mikey has his reasons for choosing such an unusual stronghold, but they have to remain hush-hush. As I am a nerd with nothing better to do, however, I will gladly share the reasons I picked mine.
But the most serious deterrent to using a high school stronghold is the possibility that it will be designated an emergency shelter during the early hours of the infestation. The last thing you want is hordes of hysterical and possibly dying "norms" swarming all over your would-be safehouse. If you plan on making your stand at a local school, check the emergency broadcast services and select one that isn't being listed as a shelter. You will still have folks turning up, but the numbers should be much more manageable.
Yeah, I've spent way too much time over-analyzing silly, trivial matters. I'm a geek. It's what we do.
My cousin Mike and I were hanging out the other day when I mentioned the sheets. With his urgings, we filled out a couple as jokes. With my urgings, we then filled out a couple "for reals". Because I'm absurd enough to take a zombie preparedness form seriously.
My Sheets
Double-click on all the images for larger versions.
Mike's Sheets
I limited the serious sheets to items we actually have on hand, so no sawed-off shotguns or ballistic helmets. We did fudge a bit with Mike's vehicle (he swears his stronghold will give him access to it) and my primary weapon (it's on my shopping list). I also need a new leather jacket; I haven't picked one up since I lost all that weight. My main weapon is a Stanley Fubar with an authentic kukri as back-up. Mike's primary is the Cold Steel poleaxe I got him for his birthday, and his secondary is the Cold Steel gunstock club I got him for Christmas. That's a cheapass bicycle multi-tool in my inventory, a placeholder until I get a decent replacement. And yeah, Mike really does have a bajillion flashlights handy at all times.
Mike fought being my designated sidekick at first but eventually came to accept the reality of things. The pugnacious butterfly on his sheet is his son.
Mikey has his reasons for choosing such an unusual stronghold, but they have to remain hush-hush. As I am a nerd with nothing better to do, however, I will gladly share the reasons I picked mine.
- Security: The doors and ground floor windows are built strong to keep undesirables out, there's upper floors to fall back to, and the whole place is designed to be locked down by sections in case of trouble. There is often a chain-link fence surrounding the entire campus, which could help slow down zeds. Finally, there should be much less competition for this location then for shopping malls, Wal-Marts, Cabela's, or PetSmarts. (Okay, maybe only the furries are heading for that last one.)
- Resources: The kitchen area usually contains enough goods to feed several hundred people twice a day for a week. The emergency medical station will be stocked with vital supplies. Vehicles for Driver's Education are commonly present, most often in a secured area. And you'll find crude armor and maybe even archery equipment in the PE department.
- Facilities: Libraries, exercise rooms, computer centers, science labs, and wood, metal, and auto shops are all standard features of North American high schools. Your school may also have laundry facilities, generators, radio communication equipment, and/or groundskeeping vehicles. You should be able to find couches or beds in the teacher's lounge, nurse's office, and girls' restrooms (especially those set aside for pregnant students). Searching through the lockers will likely turn up a variety of weapons, some recreational pharmaceuticals, and porn. Vital, vital porn.
But the most serious deterrent to using a high school stronghold is the possibility that it will be designated an emergency shelter during the early hours of the infestation. The last thing you want is hordes of hysterical and possibly dying "norms" swarming all over your would-be safehouse. If you plan on making your stand at a local school, check the emergency broadcast services and select one that isn't being listed as a shelter. You will still have folks turning up, but the numbers should be much more manageable.
Yeah, I've spent way too much time over-analyzing silly, trivial matters. I'm a geek. It's what we do.
Friday, June 19, 2009 Things I Found Looking for Something Else #5
Thursday, June 18, 2009 Teratonomy: Exotic Weapons for Monster Hunters
In my wanderings across the World Wide Wasteland, I've encountered a lot of porn. I've also come across some unique implements of destruction that could be easily adapted to the field of night stalking. But mostly it's just been porn.
Here are three unusual but real-life weapons that might be of interest to horror writers and roleplayers.
GARLIC SHOT SHELLS
Season Shot are special shotguns shells, packed with pellets of congealed seasoning instead of lead, for use in hunting fowl and small game. The idea is that the pellets melt while the game is cooking and add flavor to the meat. One of the loads offered by the company is garlic, a traditional vampire bane.
Advantages: If the manufacturer's website is to believed, we have here an anti-monster tool of the rarest qualities - legal, inexpensive, and relatively innocuous.
Disadvantages: The shells are birdshot loads, and while it's likely the same technology could be applied to buckshot, it is unknown how the resulting shells would perform. Birdshot isn't terribly effective against man-sized targets, so a lot depends upon whether garlic is lethal or merely irritating to bloodsuckers. Furthermore, the actual availability of these rounds is questionable, as the Season Shot website doesn't appear to have been updated since 2006. All told, you'd probably be better off working on delivering allicin in aerosol form, ala Ultraviolet's gas grenades.
Linkage: Season Shot Official Web Page
HK P11
The HK P11 is a five-shot pistol designed to be used underwater. Each of the weapon's five chambers is sealed watertight and loaded with a 4-inch, 7.62mm steel dart. The gun operates off a battery housed in the grip, and has a range of around 30 meters above water. Once all five rounds have been fired, the pistol must be sent back to the manufacturer to be reloaded and recharged. Little is known about the P11's history, aside from the fact that it first entered service with special forces units in the early 1970's.
Advantages: The P11 is essentially a semi-auto crossbow that's easier to use and carry. Like a crossbow, it can be fitted with various types of ammunition, allowing a hunter to adapt it to the job at hand. Replace the standard steel darts with pure or electroplated silver ones and you have an excellent weapon against lycanthropes. Coating darts with carbon fiber may make them effective against vampires. And if you're feeling really frisky, you can try experimenting with wooden darts, perhaps formed around a steel spine for strength and stability. While the pistol needs to be returned to the manufacturer for re-loading, it is possible that's only to have the waterproof chambers resealed, which wouldn't be necessary for our purposes.
Disadvantages: Good luck getting your hands on this gun. It's available only to special military units, and in the past Heckler & Koch has denied it even exists. Even if you did acquire one, it doesn't appear accurate enough to nail a vamp through the heart at anything beyond extreme close range. And there's still the possibility that you'd have to send it back to H&K for reloading or recharging.
Linkage: HKPRO.COM - H&K fan site and source of the images above.
CARBON FIBER KNIVES
Carbon fiber is the hottest material around these days, so it's no surprise that knives made of the stuff have sprung up. Aside from the cool factor, the main appeal of these weapons is that they don't set off metal detectors. Yeah, that bothers me, too. What's exciting to monster hunters, however, is the idea that if wooden stakes immobilize vampires due to their carbon content, weapons made of carbon fiber might be able to do the job equally well.
There are two main drawbacks to carbon fiber blades. The first is that they cannot hold an edge, which greatly limits their effectiveness in combat, and the second is that they are significantly weaker than steel knives. To get around these problems, some makers add metal to their blades, usually in the form of an edge that can be sharpened, but occasionally as a spine to strengthen the weapon. The addition of metal greatly reduces the appeal of these knives to the concealed carry crowd, but it suits us teratonomists just fine.
Advantages: Sexier than a stake, and much less obtrusive. As the aim is to plunge these knives into the hearts of the undead, the fact that they are only good for stabbing isn't much of a problem. Add a titanium edge, and you have a weapon that works equally well against renfields as it does their dark masters.
Disadvantages: Carbon fiber blades just aren't dependable enough to "stake" your life on one. Their legality is questionable, and anyone caught with a weapon that's invisible to metal detectors will draw a lot of scrutiny from Homeland Security. To top it off, carbon fiber's effectiveness against vampires is uncertain at best.
Linkage: I'm staying out of this one, so Google is your friend. Be aware that most knives advertised as "carbon fiber" are actually steel blades with carbon fiber handles or inlays.
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Real-life practicality aside, I think these weapons have a lot of potential, and making them work in the context of your setting is half the fun. Fictional monster hunters often have exotic backgrounds, so it's easy to justify a restricted weapon like the P11 in their arsenal. If carbon fiber throwing daggers tend to snap, just have your hero pack a bandolier of them. And I love the idea of humiliating a self-important vampire with garlic birdshot.
Next time, a look at silver bullets. Probably.
Here are three unusual but real-life weapons that might be of interest to horror writers and roleplayers.
GARLIC SHOT SHELLS
Season Shot are special shotguns shells, packed with pellets of congealed seasoning instead of lead, for use in hunting fowl and small game. The idea is that the pellets melt while the game is cooking and add flavor to the meat. One of the loads offered by the company is garlic, a traditional vampire bane.Advantages: If the manufacturer's website is to believed, we have here an anti-monster tool of the rarest qualities - legal, inexpensive, and relatively innocuous.
Disadvantages: The shells are birdshot loads, and while it's likely the same technology could be applied to buckshot, it is unknown how the resulting shells would perform. Birdshot isn't terribly effective against man-sized targets, so a lot depends upon whether garlic is lethal or merely irritating to bloodsuckers. Furthermore, the actual availability of these rounds is questionable, as the Season Shot website doesn't appear to have been updated since 2006. All told, you'd probably be better off working on delivering allicin in aerosol form, ala Ultraviolet's gas grenades.
Linkage: Season Shot Official Web Page
HK P11
The HK P11 is a five-shot pistol designed to be used underwater. Each of the weapon's five chambers is sealed watertight and loaded with a 4-inch, 7.62mm steel dart. The gun operates off a battery housed in the grip, and has a range of around 30 meters above water. Once all five rounds have been fired, the pistol must be sent back to the manufacturer to be reloaded and recharged. Little is known about the P11's history, aside from the fact that it first entered service with special forces units in the early 1970's.Advantages: The P11 is essentially a semi-auto crossbow that's easier to use and carry. Like a crossbow, it can be fitted with various types of ammunition, allowing a hunter to adapt it to the job at hand. Replace the standard steel darts with pure or electroplated silver ones and you have an excellent weapon against lycanthropes. Coating darts with carbon fiber may make them effective against vampires. And if you're feeling really frisky, you can try experimenting with wooden darts, perhaps formed around a steel spine for strength and stability. While the pistol needs to be returned to the manufacturer for re-loading, it is possible that's only to have the waterproof chambers resealed, which wouldn't be necessary for our purposes.
Disadvantages: Good luck getting your hands on this gun. It's available only to special military units, and in the past Heckler & Koch has denied it even exists. Even if you did acquire one, it doesn't appear accurate enough to nail a vamp through the heart at anything beyond extreme close range. And there's still the possibility that you'd have to send it back to H&K for reloading or recharging.
Linkage: HKPRO.COM - H&K fan site and source of the images above.
CARBON FIBER KNIVES
Carbon fiber is the hottest material around these days, so it's no surprise that knives made of the stuff have sprung up. Aside from the cool factor, the main appeal of these weapons is that they don't set off metal detectors. Yeah, that bothers me, too. What's exciting to monster hunters, however, is the idea that if wooden stakes immobilize vampires due to their carbon content, weapons made of carbon fiber might be able to do the job equally well.
There are two main drawbacks to carbon fiber blades. The first is that they cannot hold an edge, which greatly limits their effectiveness in combat, and the second is that they are significantly weaker than steel knives. To get around these problems, some makers add metal to their blades, usually in the form of an edge that can be sharpened, but occasionally as a spine to strengthen the weapon. The addition of metal greatly reduces the appeal of these knives to the concealed carry crowd, but it suits us teratonomists just fine.
Advantages: Sexier than a stake, and much less obtrusive. As the aim is to plunge these knives into the hearts of the undead, the fact that they are only good for stabbing isn't much of a problem. Add a titanium edge, and you have a weapon that works equally well against renfields as it does their dark masters.
Disadvantages: Carbon fiber blades just aren't dependable enough to "stake" your life on one. Their legality is questionable, and anyone caught with a weapon that's invisible to metal detectors will draw a lot of scrutiny from Homeland Security. To top it off, carbon fiber's effectiveness against vampires is uncertain at best.
Linkage: I'm staying out of this one, so Google is your friend. Be aware that most knives advertised as "carbon fiber" are actually steel blades with carbon fiber handles or inlays.
-----
Real-life practicality aside, I think these weapons have a lot of potential, and making them work in the context of your setting is half the fun. Fictional monster hunters often have exotic backgrounds, so it's easy to justify a restricted weapon like the P11 in their arsenal. If carbon fiber throwing daggers tend to snap, just have your hero pack a bandolier of them. And I love the idea of humiliating a self-important vampire with garlic birdshot.
Next time, a look at silver bullets. Probably.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009 Yeah, No Way This is Going to Break Bad
OK, it's a month old, but I've been away. From the May 11th Dallas-Ft. Worth Star-Telegram:
The egg it lays inside you hatches, and the maggot begins chewing its way towards your head. Over the course of weeks, it eats away your brain, leaving you a mindless, roaming zombie. Once the maggot has grown into a pupa, it releases an enzyme that causes your head to drop off:
The pupa chills for a while until it develops into an adult fly. It then leaves your head. Through your mouth:
I really do not want to go this way.
In other news, NASA plans on blowing up the moon. Jesus Christ, people. What the hell is everyone thinking?
Parasitic flies turn fire ants into zombiesTurns out that the Agricultural Research Service of the USDA have been releasing phorid flies since 1997, so it's probably too late now to stop them from mutating. Soon they'll be craving human brains. Let me make plain what happens then. One of these bites you:
By Bill Hanna
Posted on Mon, May. 11, 2009
It sounds like something out of science fiction: zombie fire ants. But it’s all too real.
Fire ants wander aimlessly away from the mound.
Eventually their heads fall off, and they die.
The strange part is that researchers at the University of Texas at Austin and Texas A&M’s AgriLife Extension Service say making "zombies" out of fire ants is a good thing.
"It’s a tool — they’re not going to completely wipe out the fire ant, but it’s a way to control their population," said Scott Ludwig, an integrated pest management specialist with the AgriLife Extension Service in Overton, in East Texas.
The tool is the tiny phorid fly, native to a region of South America where the fire ants in Texas originated. Researchers have learned that there are as many as 23 phorid species along with pathogens that attack fire ants to keep their population and movements under control.
So far, four phorid species have been introduced in Texas.
The flies "dive-bomb" the fire ants and lay eggs. The maggot that hatches inside the ant eats away at the brain, and the ant starts exhibiting what some might say is zombie-like behavior.
"At some point, the ant gets up and starts wandering," said Rob Plowes, a research associate at UT.
The maggot eventually migrates into the ant’s head, but Plowes said he "wouldn’t use the word 'control’ to describe what is happening. There is no brain left in the ant, and the ant just starts wandering aimlessly. This wandering stage goes on for about two weeks."
About a month after the egg is laid, the ant’s head falls off and the fly emerges ready to attack any foraging ants away from the mound and lay eggs.
Plowes said fire ants are "very aware" of these tiny flies, and it only takes a few to cause the ants to modify their behavior.
"Just one or two flies can control movement or above-ground activity," Plowes said. "It’s kind of like a medieval activity where you’re putting a castle under siege."
Researchers began introducing phorid species in Texas in 1999. The first species has traveled all the way from Central and South Texas to the Oklahoma border. This year, UT researchers will add colonies south of the Metroplex at farms and ranches from Stephenville to Overton. It is the fourth species introduced in Texas.
Fire ants cost the Texas economy about $1 billion annually by damaging circuit breakers and other electrical equipment, according to a Texas A&M study. They can also threaten young calves.
Determining whether the phorid flies will work in Texas will take time, perhaps as long as a decade.
"These are very slow acting," Plowes said. "It’s more like a cumulative impact measured across a time frame of years. It’s not an immediate silver bullet impact."
The flies, which are USDA–approved, do not attack native ants or species and have been introduced in other Gulf Coast states, Plowes said. Despite initial concerns, farmers and ranchers have been willing to let researchers use their property to establish colonies. At the Texas and Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association in Fort Worth in March, Plowes said they found plenty of volunteers.
"Just one or two flies can control movement... It’s kind of like a medieval activity where you’re putting a castle under siege."
The egg it lays inside you hatches, and the maggot begins chewing its way towards your head. Over the course of weeks, it eats away your brain, leaving you a mindless, roaming zombie. Once the maggot has grown into a pupa, it releases an enzyme that causes your head to drop off:
The pupa chills for a while until it develops into an adult fly. It then leaves your head. Through your mouth:
I really do not want to go this way.
In other news, NASA plans on blowing up the moon. Jesus Christ, people. What the hell is everyone thinking?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009 Teratonomy: Science vs Magic
I was cleaning out my bookmarks when I came across one for Michael Briggs' excellent blog on making real silver bullets. Catching up with the site has gotten me thinking about the traditional methods for dispatching creatures of the night. In particular, I was considering how popular media increasingly portrays monster banes as having their basis in science rather than mysticism. This difference has implications beyond making a horror scenario more believable to a modern audience. If you're working on a story, about to run a new horror campaign, or actually battle the undead for really reals, it could be worthwhile to figure out why monster-stomping methods work in your world.
If a method works due to magic, then it fulfills some sort of ritual purpose. It acts like an ingredient needed to cast a spell, or as a condition required to remove an enchantment. If this were true of wooden stakes and vampires, for example, it is not the stake itself that kills a vampire but rather what it represents. This could be why some sources are very specific as to the type of wood needed for the stake; it must come from a species of tree that is itself sacred or magical (such as hawthorn) or is significant symbolically (such as elder, which is said to be the tree that Judas Iscariot hung himself from). If we know that a method works due to mysticism, we can more easily find replacements when a particular substance is in short supply. Real-life magicians do this all the time, swapping out rare or expensive components with items of similar symbolic properties or iconic function.
If the method works due to science, then the substance has some property that disables or destroys the creature. In the case of stakes and vampires, the wood would have some inherent physical attribute that is toxic to vampires, something that stakes made of stone or metal lack. If we know that a given method is practical, we can analyze it to find out how it works. This may allow us to replace primitive, unwieldy banes with hi-tech equipment that does the job better and faster. A great example are the carbon bullets and other tools used against vampires in the excellent UK television series, Ultraviolet.
Figuring out why a given method works can be essential to implementing it successfully. Such is the case with the recent and popular trope that it is not the cross but the wielder's faith that repels vampires. The undead are not turned away by a higher power (magic) but by mental or spiritual energy created by the user (science...ish). The crucifix is simply a weapons delivery system, one that can be replaced with a Star of David or ankh or other object depending on one's beliefs. The old Doctor Who series had an excellent take on this in a storyline featuring a Soviet soldier who drove away bloodsuckers through his faith in the Revolution.
Determining whether a given method is scientific or mystical can be tricky in a field awash with superstition and misinformation. A vital aid in discovering why a method works might be to ascertain how it works. For example, we accept that weapons made of silver kill werewolves. But is it exposure to silver that is lethal to lycanthropes? Or does the silver exploit a limitation in whatever magics bestow invulnerability to them? If silver is toxic to werewolves, then it is more likely due to practical reasons. If silver allows us to bypass the creature's supernatural defenses, then it probably works because of magic.
Of course, working all this out is a lot more difficult than it sounds. It would almost assuredly require specimens to experiment on, and capturing a live (or undead) monster is infinitely more dangerous than "simply" hunting one down. It would also require considerable amounts of time and money, resources already in short supply for most teratonomists, whose odd hours, paranoia, and propensity to rant make it difficult to hold down a normal job. But understanding why these anti-monster methods work would allow us to build better, more efficient weapons against the forces of darkness.
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That's enough theory wank for now. Next time, some practical info for neophyte night stalkers.
Monday, June 15, 2009 Vampires Invade Another School
These hysterias would be kinda cool if they weren't inspired by such shitty media. From last Thursday's Daily Herald (Everett, Washington):
Lake Stevens school quells vampire rumors
By Kaitlin Manry
Thursday, June 11, 2009
LAKE STEVENS -- Lake Stevens school administrators want to drive a stake through rumors that vampires -- or children making believe they were undead -- abducted and bit two Mount Pilchuck Elementary School students.
There are no vampires in Lake Stevens, officials say.
The truth is that on Friday afternoon, a seventh-grade girl hugged a younger boy in a park near the school, district spokeswoman Arlene Hulten said.
The boy, a fifth-grader, was with a fourth-grade friend and they were waiting with their classmates at the school for their parents to pick them up after a field trip, Hulten said.
The two boys wandered away to a disc golf park that is adjacent to the school. There they met two middle-schoolers. One of them, a seventh-grade girl from North Lake Middle School, acknowledges hugging one of the boys and talking to him, but insists she didn't bite him, Hulten said.
The boys ran back to school and told adults that one had been hugged and bitten on the forehead. The boy was not bleeding and had no marks or bruises, Hulten said.
Lake Stevens police were called, but the boy's parents didn't follow up, so police have nothing to pursue, said Police Chief Randy Celori.
The story has spiraled into rumors that the boys were bitten all over their faces and had to be rescued from the forest. Some thought the recent movie "Twilight" and a current HBO series about vampires inspired the incident.
On Wednesday, letters explaining the incident went home with students at Mount Pilchuck Elementary School and at the east campus of Sunnycrest Elementary to help stave off rumors.
The seventh-grade girl was advised not to hug strangers, but was not further disciplined, Hulten said.
"This equates in our minds to harassment -- nothing more than that," she said. "There was no physical harm. There were no marks, scratches, bites or anything of that nature."
Friday, June 12, 2009 Lame Toys: CyberSketch
A bit of Amazon spam in my in-box featured this little beauty. Geeks and geekettes, I present to you the Cyberman Etch-A-Sketch!
Like sex with a stranger in a bus station restroom, it's in dubious taste and ultimately pointless and unsatisfying, but damn if you don't want it at the time.
Now if they only would come out with a Dalek-themed Magic 8 Ball. Whose answers would all be "Exterminate!"
Like sex with a stranger in a bus station restroom, it's in dubious taste and ultimately pointless and unsatisfying, but damn if you don't want it at the time.Now if they only would come out with a Dalek-themed Magic 8 Ball. Whose answers would all be "Exterminate!"
Thursday, June 11, 2009 DVD Shuffle: Random Play 3
SPLINTER
Toby Wilkins - 2008
An urban couple on a camping vacation wind up as the hostages of an escaped murderer and his junkie girlfriend. While stopping for gas, the group find itself stranded at a remote service station, trapped by a blood-crazed parasite that can stitch together and reanimate dead tissue.
Splinter distinguishes itself from the recent spate of horror films in several ways. For starters, it's an honest-to-Bela monster movie and not another slasher flick. Furthermore, it actually comes up with a new critter instead of simply trotting out the zombies again. And the SFX are mostly practical. I didn't really notice any CGI at all - which is exactly how CGI should be used. Sure, by the end of the picture the monster was essentially a lump of meat flaying about, but there's no real way good CGI could have improved things and lots of ways bad CGI could have made things worse.
Most surprisingly, the characters come off as real people and not caricatures. No one, not even the nameless victims, does anything stupid simply to advance the plot. In fact, the leads exercise their wits more than their leg muscles, and each comes up with at least one clever idea. It makes for a great change from CW Stars Get Chased by Rednecks 3: Rednecks in Europe.
Highly recommended.
OUTLANDER
Howard McCain - 2008
Jesus crashes on Earth and gets captured by Vikings led by a glam rocker and the Elephant Man. Jesus escapes so he can track down the monster that escaped from His ship and is now killing said Vikings. Hellboy shows up to help. Eventually, Jesus, the glam rocker, and some redfurs kill the monster and rescue the hottest Viking ever. Jesus decides to live with the Vikings and teach them about indoor plumbing. The end.
I saw Outlander under what should have been optimal viewing conditions for a film of this ilk, while sharing a few beers with a group of friends. It was fun enough, but it never really clicked with me. It wasn't bad enough to enjoy as a trashy movie and it wasn't good enough to make it on its own terms.
It came pretty close, though. The costumes, props, and set design were all great (loved the carvings on the village gate) and that cast was certainly game (though John Hurt is an unconvincing Viking). I think only a couple of minor tweaks would have made everything fall into place. A bit bigger budget to improve the CGI effects, or going the man-in-a-suit route in the first place, would have done wonders. And it definitely needed more Ron Perlman cracking skulls with twin hammers, but then what movie doesn't?
Rent it, preferably with lots of mead.
INVISIBLE TARGET
Benny Chan - 2007
A group of ruthless robbers knock over an armored car, killing lots of civilians and cops in the process. Two detectives swear vengeance on the gang and - oh, just look it up on Wikipedia.
Invisible Target is way too convoluted, with the filmmakers constantly adding and losing track of subplots. And yet of the three leads, only Jacyee Chan (who looks just like his father if he had spent a little time in Willy Wonka's taffy pulling machine) is given anything to do besides pout and posture. He comes off likable enough in his nice guy role, but he's not really up to the dramatic beats required of him.
The fights are nothing to get excited over, apart from a few nasty moments during a brawl in an cramped office. The stunts are hindered by some obvious wirework and some even more obvious CGI. And at over two hours, the movie is just too bloody long.
Dragon Dynasty is turning out so many great discs of new and classic HK films that I can forgive them for the occasional clunker. That said, Invisible Target is still the worst of the DD titles I've yet seen, beating out Dragon Force due to its extra length and distinct lack of Sammo. As always, Dragon Dynasty has done an excellent job with the presentation and extras, but the movie itself is barely worth a rental.
BTW, every time I see the movie's title I keep thinking it's going to star lolcats.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009 Wu Xia vs. Gunslinger
Below is the trailer for a new Korean-New Zealand co-production about your typical moody sword saint wandering into your typical spaghetti Western town.
Looks like it could be fun.
Trailer via Kung Fu Cinema.
Looks like it could be fun.
Trailer via Kung Fu Cinema.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009 GIANT FUCKING ROBOT!
Somewhere in Japan stands a 59-foot tower of metal and plastic, a "life-size" giant robot looming over all it surveys.
Built to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the Gundam franchise, the statue is located on the artificial island of Odaiba near central Tokyo, where it will be on free display throughout the summer.
Unfortunately, it's coming down at the end of August. No word yet as to whether it will be moved someplace else or simply scrapped.
Click on the pictures above for larger versions. They were all taken from the Moe Passion blog, and there's loads more there.
Built to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the Gundam franchise, the statue is located on the artificial island of Odaiba near central Tokyo, where it will be on free display throughout the summer.
Unfortunately, it's coming down at the end of August. No word yet as to whether it will be moved someplace else or simply scrapped.
Click on the pictures above for larger versions. They were all taken from the Moe Passion blog, and there's loads more there.
Ghost Town
Haven't been posting lately, as the last month has been kind of rough for me. It would have been difficult keeping my personal feelings from coming through, and frankly I lacked the strength and motivation to write anything at all. Hopefully, things are starting to turn around a bit and I should feel up to carrying on with normal activities.
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